Dental Floss

It is bedtime in a sleepy house, in a sleepy village on that planet where the many-toothed, fiercely-fanged Vluurgian warriors of Vlaarch live.

Vloorm, for it is she, is telling a bedtime story to the younglings arrayed around her. From his couch in the corner, the famous Vlaarg indulgently listens in.

Let’s listen in as well, shall we:

“It is bedtime in a sleepy house, in a sleepy village on that sleepy planet where the Humans live.

“The sleepy Human was in the bathroom; she had just cleaned her teeth with toothbrush and toothpaste and was brushing her long, fine hair when suddenly her head was bitten clean off by a great big monster!

“This ever-so-brave, ever-so-fierce monster—known as Uncle Vlaarg to friends and family—paused before going on to bite another Human’s head off. He had a big problem: blood was dripping down his cheeks, chunks of sleepy Human flesh were embedded in gaps between teeth and he had lengths of sleepy Human hair wrapped around his big, fearsome fangs. His rippers couldn’t rip properly and his grinders weren’t grinding at all well. He just knew that he wouldn’t be able to do a good job on the next Human he came across unless something was done.

“So Vlaarg picked at the hair and pulled big, yukky chunks of flesh out from the gaps between his teeth rows as well. He picked a piece of sleepy Human hair out of his teeth using a tentacle at each end and made a back-and-forth sawing motion. Human hair is great stuff, it helped clean out all the stuck chunks of flesh!

“‘Excellent!’, he said, ‘My fangs feel cleaner than they have for years! I’ve even got rid of that smelly piece of Zorgian crest-bone that has been stuck around my rear ripper for about a month!’

“Instead of simply going off to eat the next Human, clever uncle Vlaarg thought a bit: ‘There is good money to be made here.’, he said. When he came home he brought a couple of dozen human heads with him to sell to people.

“And that, children, is the story of how your uncle Vlaarg’s first visit to the sleepy home planet of the Humans taught him about cleaning and flossing teeth and also made him the richest Vluurgian warrior on Vlaarch.”

Vloorm twists a fond eyestalk towards the oldest front-progeny, bends in low and whispers: “It is also the story of how your uncle Vlaarg revolutionised front-mating: we girls just looove clean fangs and that fresh-human meaty smell...oooh!”

Pausing to wink 4 of her 12 eyes at the hero of the story, Vloorm again directs her attention to the batch of younglings before her:

“Now, off to the hatchery with you! Be sure to brush properly, and don’t forget to floss—your uncle Vlaarg brought home a couple of nice fresh hairy human heads this morning.”