An Easter Tale

Warning This story may offend the religious sensibilities of some; if you are easily offended, please do NOT read this: hit the 'Back' button now.

Time: now - 1 million years

It is a dark and stormy night. Three cavemen sit together:

Gnaaarlk sok!
Znik naark. Oom hof gleck.
Mpfh. Huf morp znarrsnap! Znark!

For those of us who can't speak proto-human-ese, here is a rough translation:

Sigh. Raw fish again!
Never mind. Someday, someone will invent fire and then we'll be able to have fish and chips.
Ha Ha. That Znark and his imagination!

Znark shuffles off to the back of the cave, and does a very nice painting of a rotisseried fish surrounded by a bed of parsley. Sadly, however, the next night the cave collapses on our three protagonists and Znark's astounding imagination is lost for another few millennia.

Time: now - 2 millennia (and a little bit)

Closing time in Jonas' friendly watering hole, somewhere on the shores of the Red Sea.

You should have seen the one that got away. It was *this* big. Would have fed a multitude, I tells ya.
Come off it, mate. I know you. You're a crappy fisherman. You're lucky if you can catch a minnow. Go back to your carpenting, where you belong.
Yeah. And get on with it. My missus has been waiting for her table for weeks. She's givin' me a right ear-bashin' I can tell ya. If you don't get it done soon, I tells ya: I'll kill ya stone dead, stick ya in that cave up near the crucifixes to rot for three days and THEN resurrect ya so that you can finish the damn thing.
Damn Jesoo! Next thing you know, he'll be saying he can walk on water, or sumfink. Can't wait to tell this to Mattheew, he'll laugh 'imself to death!
Hey Lukas! Jesoo is a great raconteur, don't you know? Remember that time when he told us he was born up there in the Palace! Bloody barn was probably more like it!

Sitting in the corner, with an ear cocked is Godalister. That worthy hack, famed for his ability to twist a fact and turn a phrase, is scribbling happily on a piece of parchment. He's making notes, as follows:

Godalister is is thinking: "If I can work this up into a story, it'll be a dead cert for 'miraculous tales'." Old Devilistus simply LOVES to publish weird and freaky shit. He'll pay BIG BUCKS for this!"

He was right. Devilistus loved the work and it was published to critical acclaim. The public went MAD about it. It was even made into a crowd-pleasing theatre production that toured the known world. The printing was pretty bad, and many, many typos crept in. Perhaps the most serious of these was that, instead of being accredited to Godalister, it was published under the name 'God.' Godalister didn't care. He'd already been paid for the work and was set to make much more in the future...

Time: the early 1970s

George Lucas is sitting in his room in Hollywood, facing a blank piece of paper. He has been staring at this for a long time, suffering a small but painful period of writers block. Suddenly, a phrase leaps to mind: "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."

Time: now

Jedi Religious Faith

"The Jedi Church believes that there is one all powerful force that binds all things in the universe together. The Jedi religion is something innate inside everyone of us, the Jedi Church believes that our sense of morality is innate. So quiet your mind and listen to the force within you!"